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The Rear View Mirror of Identity

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Unless I am willing to see you without my own identity, I won’t see you.

It is only when we observe others without identity that we can truly see them.

My own experience of this is, of course, only in glimpses, although in my coaching I have developed an increasing awareness of when my own filter of identity is at play. I notice, pause, and in my increased awareness I am willing to explore past my filter. I get more curious about what is really true.

Once I become aware I had forgotten I have my sunglasses on, I usually want to take a look at what the world looks like without them.

This is not just about bringing our past experiences into the present. It is also about bringing our past experiences into who we think we are.

For example, if I’ve had some unsavoury experiences with a particular client, I might develop a preference for not working with that type of client. I’ll own this preference by making it part of my identity - ‘I am someone who does not work with xyz”

I'll claim my preference, developed from a fear of repeating the past, as part of who I am.

This manifests in many ways; I’m someone who only dates older women, I’m someone who doesn’t speak to people on the train, I’m someone who doesn’t befriend people who are overactive on Instagram. The options are limitless, and each option itself is limiting.

I filter my experience of life by defining what I see. When we define we confine, and of course I get to see more of what has become part of my filter. This is why so often people think they are attracting that which they do not want. It looks that way because they are looking at it that way.

The danger and scope for misunderstanding in relationships is not that these filters are at play, but in our unawareness of them.

They become a ‘blind spot’ - perfect work for you and your coach. In awareness we can question if what we think we see is true, or a projection of our own perceived identity and view of the world from our past.

This is quite the opposite of entering into relationships or situations blindly. Here I am inviting you to question who you think you are, and what you think you see, rather than disregard what you think you see. Pause and notice, and inquire if you are seeing what you expect and choose to see, through a filter of identity.

Are you willing to look with fresh eyes? Instead of looking through the eyes of a fear of the past being repeated, are you willing to look through the eyes of possibility and love?

You can’t drive effectively if you are constantly in fear of what might be following you. And we can’t really see what is in front of us if we are constantly checking our rear-view mirror.

Look ahead. Look ahead with the curiosity that is love.
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