So much of what we see in the personal development arena concentrates solely at the level of behaviour, and in some quarters scripting that behaviour to give a measured response in a given situation. One area where this is rife is in relationship work, where scripts are often offered on how you should talk to your partner to help him or her understand what you want or help you connect deeply. “If she says that, respond with this” type of advice.

That all seems too much like hard work to me. (Funnily, as I type ‘hard’ here it keeps getting autocorrected to ‘head.’ Yes, head work too!)

When we're using scripts, we're connecting at the level of intellect. Sure, they help, but can never allow connections as deep and free as simply connecting through love. We’ve all had that feeling of being told what we want to hear, rather than feeling deeply understood.

All practiced, behavioural work is only ever at the level of persona, working to create a ‘better’ version of the made-up, conditioned you. Whenever we are trying to be somebody we take ourselves further away from the innate loving wisdom of our true, unconditioned self.

In all areas of life, heart work is much more liberating than hard work.

In any relationship of any kind, I don’t ever need to follow a script of behaviour if I am in touch with my heart and expressing love. Relationships really can be effortless when you are both in this space.

Yes, there may be occasional misunderstandings when the person I am connecting with is listening to their own fears. It is our persistent commitment to only communicate lovingly, openly, honestly, that helps to build a foundation of trust in love. Gandhi described this as being the change you want to see in the world.

If I want to eliminate or at least reduce the amount of fear in my relationship, I must be that change, I must allow myself to express and be love.

How do we ensure we are both in that space? Through our own exploration and understanding of love. This is predominantly the nature of my work with clients - helping them to see very clearly the distinctions in their lives between when they are listening to their self-image and ego or when they are listening to their heart and listening to the wisdom of love. This intimate and personal exploration naturally impacts every single relationship in our lives, particularly as we see that all behaviours are either an expression of love or a call for love. As we develop our compassion, we can find it easier to trust and love.

It is in understanding the role of love in relationships that it becomes clear that all ‘work’ in relationships is essentially created by the ego. Your ego might want to work at making it ok to say ‘F**k you’ to your spouse, whilst it would never even occur to your heart to say it.

You don’t need to script a response when you can see the clear distinction between fearful thinking and the wisdom of the heart. You don’t need any kind of script to help you communicate and connect if you are willing to look and listen through the eyes and ears of love. Love itself becomes the script.